Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He did a backflip because drugs
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