Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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