Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
