please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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