I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You pole danced in your parka.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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