why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
