I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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