They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
