he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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