You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
