Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
