Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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