There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
