I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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