the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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