y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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