Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
