We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
