You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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