She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
