Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
