So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
