if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
