I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
