My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
