Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize