Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize