So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
