Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
