i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
