I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
