Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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