I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
