I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
