Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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