why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
