My hand turned me down
i just had sex bonerless
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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