it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Randomize
