my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was confusing and full of hummus
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
