dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
