look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
