I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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