I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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