Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
