I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I party with great urgency now.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
