I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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