I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
