When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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