i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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