she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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