Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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