Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
