So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
