she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
