I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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