Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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