FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
