The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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